Trying to Force The Closed Doors Open
I kept trying to reconstruct what I thought I had lost. Seeking the life I had lived before, reaching back for the familiar, the comfortable, the known. And at each turn, something blocked me from returning to that old path. I am a Taurus — so you already know how we feel about our routines. Stability isn't just a preference for us; it's a spiritual need. But Spirit was not allowing me to stay in that comfort. Every door I tried to walk back through was closed. Every attempt to rebuild the old life hit a wall. Looking back now, I understand that those walls were mercy. But at the time? It felt like loss on top of loss.
In 2019, my Tower moment began.
If you know the Tarot, you know the Tower card doesn't ask permission. It arrives. And in 2019, everything I had built my life around, the version of myself I had carefully constructed, the comfort of familiar patterns, the stories I told myself to keep going, came down. My world turned upside down, and a path was cleared for me. But at the time, I couldn't see it that way. I saw it as punishment. I spent a long time searching for what I had unknowingly done wrong to deserve it.
As time passed, something unexpected happened: the blur lifted. The rose-colored glasses I hadn't even realized I was wearing were gone, and for the first time in years, I could see my life clearly. I saw the weight I had been carrying for so long; I'd stopped noticing it. I saw the true sadness I had been pushing down, smiling over, and working around. I saw that somewhere along the way, I had stopped being myself — and had become an avatar of myself. A performance. A version of me designed to be acceptable, manageable, and small.
Facing My Shadow
I have always had gifts. Spiritual gifts. The kind that don't have easy explanations. But I had spent most of my life filing them under fantasy treating them as something impractical, something to be embarrassed by, something that had no place in the real world. Spirit, apparently, had other plans.
Spirit decided to force me to see who I really was. And to show me why I had to be true to who I have always been.
The transformation wasn't just spiritual. It was physical. I began healing my body — releasing the weight and sickness that had manifested as I suppressed my true self and my true power. I began learning, slowly and intentionally, how to realign my nervous system. To stop the noise of doubt, fear, anxiety, and darkness that had become the background hum of my existence. I started small — listening to the right frequencies, sitting in stillness, truly looking at my situation without flinching, and accepting that I was nowhere near where Spirit wanted me to be.
After facing my shadow. After being obedient to Spirit. My world shifted.
I could hear my ancestors and my guardians again — for the first time in a long time. And they revealed everything I needed to know and see to become the best version of me.
What happened next, I didn't see coming. And it started with a paper towel and a pepper seed